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Alas! my Theotimus, behold, I pray you, the poor
Judas after he had betrayed his Master, how he goes
to return the money to the Jews, how he acknowledges
his sin, how honourably he speaks of the blood of
this immaculate Lamb. These were effects of imperfect
love, which former charity, now past, had left in his
heart. We descend to impiety by certain degrees, and
hardly any one arrives in an instant at the extremity
of malice.
Perfumers, though out of their shops, bear about
with them for a long time the scent of the perfumes
which they have handled. In like manner, those who
have been in the cabinet of heavenly ointments, that
is in holy charity, keep for some time afterwards the
scent of it.
Where the hart has lodged by night, there, the
morning after, is a fresh scent or vent of him;
towards night it is harder to perceive; and as his
strain grows older and harder, the hounds lose it
more and more.
When charity has reigned for a time in the soul,
one may find there its path, marks, strain or scent
for a time after it has departed, but little by
little all this quite vanishes, and a man loses all
knowledge that charity was ever there.
I have seen certain young people, well brought up
in the love of God, who, putting themselves out of
that path, remained for some time during their
miserable decay still giving great signs of their
past virtue, and, the habit acquired in time of
charity resisting present vice, scarcely could one
for some months discern whether they were out of
charity or not, and whether they were virtuous or
vicious, till such time as the course of things made
it clear that these virtuous exercises proceeded not
from present charity but from past, not from perfect
but from imperfect love, which charity had left
behind her, as a sign that she had lodged in those
souls.
Now this imperfect love, Theotimus, is good in
itself, for being a creature of holy charity, and as
it were one of her retinue, it cannot but be good;
and indeed it did faithfully serve charity, while she
sojourned in the soul, as it is still ready to serve
upon her return. Nor is it to be contemned because it
cannot do actions of perfect love, the condition of
its nature being such; as stars, which in comparison
with the sun are very imperfect, are yet extremely
beautiful beheld alone, and, having no worth in the
presence of the sun, have some in his absence.
At the same time though this imperfect love be
good in itself. yet it is perilous for us; for
oftentimes we are contented with it alone, because
having many exterior and interior marks of charity,
we, thinking we have charity, deceive ourselves and
think we are holy, while, in this vain persuasion,
the sins which deprived us of charity increase, grow
great, and multiply so fast that in the end they make
themselves masters of our heart.
Self-love deceives us, as Laban did Jacob between
Rachel and Lia. We leave charity for a moment, and
this imperfect habit of human love is thrust on us,
and we content ourselves with it as if it were true
charity, till some clear light shows us that we have
been deceived.
Ah! my God! is it not a great pity to see a soul
flattering herself in the imagination of being holy,
and remaining in repose as though she were possessed
of charity, only to find in the end that her holiness
is a fiction, her rest a lethargy, and her joy a
madness.
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