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All the children of Israel went forth from the land of Egypt, but
not all went forth heartily, and so, when wandering in the desert,
some of them sighed after the leeks and onions,--the fleshpots of
Egypt. Even so there are penitents who forsake sin, yet without
forsaking their sinful affections; that is to say, they intend to
sin no more, but it goes sorely against them to abstain from the
pleasures of sin;--they formally renounce and forsake sinful acts,
but they turn back many a fond lingering look to what they have
left, like Lot's wife as she fled from Sodom.
They are like a sick man who abstains from eating melon when
the doctor says it would kill him, but who all the while longs for
it, talks about it, bargains when he may have it, would at least
like just to sniff the perfume, and thinks those who are free to
eat of it very fortunate. And so these weak cowardly penitents
abstain awhile from sin, but reluctantly;-- they would fain be
able to sin without incurring damnation;--they talk with a
lingering taste of their sinful deeds, and envy those who are yet
indulging in the like.
Thus a man who has meditated some revenge gives it up in
confession, but soon after he is to be found talking about the
quarrel, averring that but for the fear of God he would do this or
that; complaining that it is hard to keep the Divine rule of
forgiveness; would to God it were lawful to avenge one's self! Who
can fail to see that even if this poor man is not actually
committing sin, he is altogether bound with the affections
thereof, and although he may have come out of Egypt, he yet
hungers after it, and longs for the leeks and onions he was wont
to feed upon there! It is the same with the woman who, though she
has given up her life of sin, yet takes delight in being sought
after and admired. Alas! of a truth, all such are in great peril.
Be sure, my daughter, that if you seek to lead a devout life,
you must not merely forsake sin; but you must further cleanse your
heart from all affections pertaining to sin; for, to say nothing
of the danger of a relapse, these wretched affections will
perpetually enfeeble your mind, and clog it, so that you will be
unable to be diligent, ready and frequent in good works, wherein
nevertheless lies the very essence of all true devotion.
Souls which, in spite of having forsaken sin, yet retain such
likings and longings, remind us of those persons who, without
being actually ill, are pale and sickly, languid in all they do,
eating without appetite, sleeping without refreshment, laughing
without mirth, dragging themselves about rather than walking
briskly. Such souls as I have described lose all the grace of
their good deeds, which are probably few and feeble, through their
spiritual languor.
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