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"This process of purification to which I see the souls in
purgatory subjected, I feel within myself, and have experienced it
for the last two years. Every day I see and feel it more clearly.
My soul seems to live in this body as in a purgatory which
resembles the true purgatory, with only the difference that my
soul is subjected to only so much suffering as the body can endure
without dying, but which will continually and gradually increase
until death."I feel my spirit alienated from all things (even spiritual
ones) that might afford it nourishment or give it consolation. I
have no relish for either temporal or spiritual goods through the
will, the understanding, or the memory, nor can I say that I take
greater satisfaction in this thing than in that.
"I have been so besieged interiorly, that all things which
refreshed my spiritual or my bodily life have been gradually taken
from me, and as they departed, I learned that they were all
sources of consolation and support. Yet, as soon as they were
discovered by the spirit they became tasteless and hateful; they
vanish and I care not to prevent it. This is because the spirit
instinctively endeavors to rid itself of every hindrance to its
perfection, and so resolutely that it would rather go to hell than
fail in its purpose. It persists, therefore, in casting off all
things by which the inner man might nourish himself, and so
jealously guards him, that no slightest imperfection can creep in
without being instantly detected and expelled.
"As for the outward man, for the reason that the spirit has
no correspondence with it, it is so oppressed that nothing on
earth can give it comfort according to its human inclinations. No
consolation remains to it but God, who, with great love and mercy
accomplishes this work for the satisfaction of his justice. I
perceive all this, and it gives me a great peace and satisfaction;
but this satisfaction does by no means diminish my oppression or
my pain. Nor could there possibly befall me a pain so great, that
it could move me to swerve from the divine ordination, or leave my
prison, or wish to leave it until God is satisfied, nor could I
experience any woe so great as would be an escape from his divine
decree, so merciful and so full of justice do I find it.
"I see these things clearly, but words fail me to describe
them as I wish. What I have described is going on within my
spirit, and therefore I have said it. The prison which detains me
is the world; my chains, the body; the soul, illuminated by grace,
comprehends how great a misery it is to be hindered from her final
end, and she suffers greatly because she is very tender. She
receives from God, by his grace, a certain dignity which
assimilates her to him, nay, which makes her one with him by the
participation of his goodness. And as it is impossible for God to
suffer any pain, it is so also with those happy souls who are
drawing nearer to him. The more closely they approach him the more
fully do they share in his perfections.
"Any delay, then, causes the soul intolerable pain. The pain
and the delay prevent the full action both of what is hers by
nature, and of that which has been revealed to her by grace; and,
not able as yet to possess and still essentially capable of
possessing, her pain is great in proportion to her desire of God.
The more perfectly she knows him, the more ardent is her desire,
and the more sinless is she. The impediments that bar her from him
become all the more terrible to her, because she is so wholly bent
on him, and when not one of these is left she knows him as he is.
"As a man who suffers death rather than offend God does not
become insensible to the pains of death, but is so illuminated by
God that his zeal for the divine honor is greater than his love
for life, so the soul, knowing the will of God, esteems it more
than all outward or inward torments, however terrible; and this
for the reason that God, for whom and by whom the work is done, is
infinitely more desirable than all else that can be known or
understood.
"And inasmuch as God keeps the soul absorbed in himself
and in his majesty, even though it be only in a slight degree, yet
she can attach no importance to anything beside. She loses in him
all that is her own, and can neither see nor speak, nor yet be
conscious of any injury or pain she suffers, but as I have said
before it is all understood in one moment as she passes from this
life. And finally, to conclude all, understand well, that in the
almighty and merciful God, all that is in man is wholly
transformed, and that purgatory purifies him."
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