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The Disciple
I will bring witness against myself to my injustice,
and to You, O Lord, I will confess my weakness.
Often it is a small thing that makes me downcast and
sad. I propose to act bravely, but when even a small
temptation comes I find myself in great straits.
Sometimes it is the merest trifle which gives rise to
grievous temptations. When I think myself somewhat
safe and when I am not expecting it, I frequently
find myself almost overcome by a slight wind. Look,
therefore, Lord, at my lowliness and frailty which
You know so well. Have mercy on me and snatch me out
of the mire that I may not be caught in it and may
not remain forever utterly despondent.
That I am so prone to fall and so weak in
resisting my passions oppresses me frequently and
confounds me in Your sight. While I do not fully
consent to them, still their assault is very
troublesome and grievous to me, and it wearies me
exceedingly thus to live in daily strife. Yet from
the fact that abominable fancies rush in upon me much
more easily than they leave, my weakness becomes
clear to me.
Oh that You, most mighty God of Israel, zealous Lover
of faithful souls, would consider the labor and
sorrow of Your servant, and assist him in all his
undertakings! Strengthen me with heavenly courage
lest the outer man, the miserable flesh, against
which I shall be obliged to fight so long as I draw a
breath in this wretched life and which is not yet
subjected to the spirit, prevail and dominate me.
Alas! What sort of life is this, from which
troubles and miseries are never absent, where all
things are full of snares and enemies? For when one
trouble or temptation leaves, another comes. Indeed,
even while the first conflict is still raging, many
others begin unexpectedly. How is it possible to love
a life that has such great bitterness, that is
subject to so many calamities and miseries? Indeed,
how can it even be called life when it begets so many
deaths and plagues? And yet, it is loved, and many
seek their delight in it.
Many persons often blame the world for being false
and vain, yet do not readily give it up because the
desires of the flesh have such great power. Some
things draw them to love the world, others make them
despise it. The lust of the flesh, the desire of the
eyes, and the pride of life lead to love, while the
pains and miseries, which are the just consequences
of those things, beget hatred and weariness of the
world.
Vicious pleasure overcomes the soul that is given to
the world. She thinks that there are delights beneath
these thorns, because she has never seen or tasted
the sweetness of God or the internal delight of
virtue. They, on the other hand, who entirely despise
the world and seek to live for God under the rule of
holy discipline, are not ignorant of the divine
sweetness promised to those who truly renounce the
world. They see clearly how gravely the world errs,
and in how many ways it deceives.
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