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One important direction in which to exercise gentleness, is with
respect to ourselves, never growing irritated with one's self or
one's imperfections; for although it is but reasonable that we
should be displeased and grieved at our own faults, yet ought we
to guard against a bitter, angry, or peevish feeling about them.
Many people fall into the error of being angry because they
have been angry, vexed because they have given way to vexation,
thus keeping up a chronic state of irritation, which adds to the
evil of what is past, and prepares the way for a fresh fall on the
first occasion. Moreover, all this anger and irritation against
one's self fosters pride, and springs entirely from self-love,
which is disturbed and fretted by its own imperfection.
What we want is a quiet, steady, firm displeasure at our own
faults. A judge gives sentence more effectually speaking
deliberately and calmly than if he be impetuous and passionate
(for in the latter case he punishes not so much the actual faults
before him, but what they appear to him to be); and so we can
chasten ourselves far better by a quiet stedfast repentance, than
by eager hasty ways of penitence, which, in fact, are proportioned
not by the weight of our faults, but according to our feelings and
inclinations.
Thus one man who specially aims at purity will be intensely
vexed with himself at some very trifling fault against it, while
he looks upon some gross slander of which he has been guilty as a
mere laughing matter.
On the other hand, another will torment himself painfully over
some slight exaggeration, while he altogether overlooks some
serious offence against purity; and so on with other things. All
this arises solely because men do not judge themselves by the
light of reason, but under the influence of passion.
Believe me, my daughter, as a parent's tender affectionate
remonstrance has far more weight with his child than anger and
sternness, so, when we judge our own heart guilty, if we treat it
gently, rather in a spirit of pity than anger, encouraging it to
amendment, its repentance will be much deeper and more lasting
than if stirred up in vehemence and wrath.
For instance:--Let me suppose that I am specially seeking to
conquer vanity, and yet that I have fallen conspicuously into that
sin;--instead of taking myself to task as abominable and wretched,
for breaking so many resolutions, calling myself unfit to lift up
my eyes to Heaven, as disloyal, faithless, and the like, I would
deal pitifully and quietly with myself. "Poor heart! so soon
fallen again into the snare! Well now, rise up again bravely and
fall no more. Seek God's Mercy, hope in Him, ask Him to keep you
from falling again, and begin to tread the pathway of humility
afresh. We must be more on our guard henceforth." Such a course
will be the surest way to making a stedfast substantial resolution
against the special fault, to which should be added any external
means suitable, and the advice of one's director.
If any one does not find this gentle dealing sufficient, let
him use sterner self-rebuke and admonition, provided only, that
whatever indignation he may rouse against himself, he finally
works it all up to a tender loving trust in God, treading in the
footsteps of that great penitent who cried out to his troubled
soul: "Why art thou so vexed, O my soul, and why art thou so
disquieted within me? O put thy trust in God, for I will yet thank
Him, Which is the help of my countenance, and my God." (1)
So then, when you have fallen, lift up your heart in quietness,
humbling yourself deeply before God by reason of your frailty,
without marvelling that you fell;--there is no cause to marvel
because weakness is weak, or infirmity infirm. Heartily lament
that you should have offended God, and begin anew to cultivate the
lacking grace, with a very deep trust in His Mercy, and with a
bold, brave heart.
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